The Post I Never Wanted To Write . . .

June 19th we found out that I was pregnant. We were shocked, as Anna is only three and a half months old, and we thought we were done having children. Our shock quickly turned to joy and excitement. It was an emotional week, complete with morning sickness. We were very excited as we anticipated our doctors appointment and ensuing ultrasound.
June 26th was when we found out that our precious, tiny baby had gone to Heaven. I knew something was wrong when the doctor was very quiet as he did the ultrasound and he didn't take any measurements. He asked a few questions, then told us that I was farther along than we had originally thought. He then said the words that shook me to my core, "I don't see a heartbeat". I was trying to hold it together and be very factual and ask him questions. Inside I was screaming and felt like I was suffocating.
I have cried more in the last two days than I thought was possible. My emotions have been convoluted and confusing. There are times when I am okay and times when I fall apart.
Ryan has been grieving as well, but still manages to be my rock and my support. Rylie wanted to know if Jesus had toys in Heaven for the baby to play with. She also said she was sad because she wanted to see what the baby looked like. Anna has been our constant joy, continually smiling and cheering us.
I am struggling with my emotions, but I have no doubt that this has passed through the loving, sovereign hand of God. Yesterday morning, before we went to the doctor, in my devotions, I was struck with the thought that I don't deserve any good thing in my life, especially my salvation. I deserve much, much worse. It is only by the loving, sovereign grace of God that I have anything. If I keep the perspective of the Cross in the forefront of my mind, I realize that I can only be thankful for everything in my life. I am thankful for the brief time I did get to spend with my tiny baby. I am thankful that God is now taking care of it. I am thankful that someday I will hug and kiss it in Heaven. I am thankful that God is my strength and my refuge. I am thankful for such a loving and gracious God. I am thankful for all three of my children and for such a loving husband. I am thankful for all of my friends and family that have been so supportive and helpful. (Special thanks to Pam for taking Rylie for a fun play day today, and to Becky for bringing us dinner, desert, and coffee!)
Please pray for us as we try to learn how to deal with this loss as our hearts are breaking.