Tuesday, August 19, 2008

How am I doing?

I have had a few people ask me how I'm doing since the miscarriage and also tell me that they have been afraid to ask me because they don't want to bring up any thing that I want to forget. Anyone can ask me at any time. It is healing for me to talk about it. It's also very important to me that people don't think that I've just forgotten about my baby.

I am doing better than I ever have before in some respects and worse than I ever have before in other respects. I am closer to the Lord than I ever have been in my life. I have been struggling with depression. I understand why people call it a "battle". It is something that I have been fighting with. It is getting easier and better, but it has by no means gone away. The week after my DNC was the darkest in my life. In God's Providence, I had been reading the Psalms as part of our Church's Bible reading plan. Over and over again I read how God is faithful, how He loves me with a steadfast love, how He is worthy to be trusted. How He is my refuge, how if I cry out to Him He will answer. He is my only source of true hope, joy, peace, rest. If I cling to Him, trust in Him, He will prove faithful.

I have found that if I stop clinging to Him and think I can do things in my own power then the darkness comes again. There are times when I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like crying and throwing things across the room at the same time. I am irritable and inpatient, especially with my precious Rylie. Then I feel even worse. Sometimes I'll just burst in to tears for no reason.

But, if I cling to Him and am daily in the Word and continually communing with Him through prayer throughout the day, I feel so much better. He does hear us when we cry out to Him! He does offer hope and peace! I was going to share some verses with you that have helped me, but as I went through my journal, there were too many!

I have also learned that there are times when it's okay to praise and cry, to mourn and sing. It is an interesting paradox.

So, how am I? Great and struggling. I so much appreciate all of the hugs and prayers and support I have been given!


red-headed Wilson's said...

I love you Amy my kindred. I am sorry you have to go through these times but then I also wouldn't take these times from you. As you say you are learning more about Gods love and healing powers. These times are special! I think I have always delt with some sort of depression and I just learn to DAILY give him my days and thoughts. When I forget to give him it all and I do it on my own I fall so far into that black hole. It is in those times that Christian friends and a good church are so important. They remind us that we need to focus back on Him. I know you have those and you will make it through this STRONGER.

Michelle said...

Thanks for sharing, Amy. I have not forgotten, nor have I stopped praying. Call me if you ever want to talk, need a shoulder to cry on, or a hug. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Angela Miller said...

Thanks for sharing so openly! I am still praying for you. I pray that God uses this to display His glory through you. I am hear if you want to talk or just want someone to listen.

Angela Miller said...

Thanks for sharing so openly! I am still praying for you. I pray that God uses this to display His glory through you. I am hear if you want to talk or just want someone to listen.

Amanda Hug'n Kiss said...

I'm so sorry for your stuggles and pain, but so happy for you that God has been using your pain to help you grow. I know that painful losses in the past have enlightened me and opened my eyes, and I can see the world for what it is so clearly now. This baby is an eternal blessing God planned just for you. It may seem that people forget or get over your loss way too quickly. But God will never forget, he loves your children even more than you do. And I really think you have a lot of people who love you and will never forget either. ~praying for you~

tuesdaymom said...

Your honesty means a lot, Amy. Though I hate to see you hurting, its comforting for me to know that I'm not alone/crazy when I cry my way through worship time at church every week. Its almost a blessing to be stripped down to just a basic dependence on God -- it makes everything else seem so trivial. There is a unique clarity in only be able to focus on what we know to be true about His character -- even when we can't see or feel anything else. Keep holding on - you and your little one are loved and not forgotten.

momaof4 said...

Love you friend.
You mean the world to so many. I hope you know we are still praying. And I will be praying for you daily.

I left the music on from another blog and it is on the Casting Crowns song, I will praise you in this storm, even though my heart is torn. That's what you are doing.

Love you