How am I doing?

I have had a few people ask me how I'm doing since the miscarriage and also tell me that they have been afraid to ask me because they don't want to bring up any thing that I want to forget. Anyone can ask me at any time. It is healing for me to talk about it. It's also very important to me that people don't think that I've just forgotten about my baby.

I am doing better than I ever have before in some respects and worse than I ever have before in other respects. I am closer to the Lord than I ever have been in my life. I have been struggling with depression. I understand why people call it a "battle". It is something that I have been fighting with. It is getting easier and better, but it has by no means gone away. The week after my DNC was the darkest in my life. In God's Providence, I had been reading the Psalms as part of our Church's Bible reading plan. Over and over again I read how God is faithful, how He loves me with a steadfast love, how He is worthy to be trusted. How He is my refuge, how if I cry out to Him He will answer. He is my only source of true hope, joy, peace, rest. If I cling to Him, trust in Him, He will prove faithful.

I have found that if I stop clinging to Him and think I can do things in my own power then the darkness comes again. There are times when I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like crying and throwing things across the room at the same time. I am irritable and inpatient, especially with my precious Rylie. Then I feel even worse. Sometimes I'll just burst in to tears for no reason.

But, if I cling to Him and am daily in the Word and continually communing with Him through prayer throughout the day, I feel so much better. He does hear us when we cry out to Him! He does offer hope and peace! I was going to share some verses with you that have helped me, but as I went through my journal, there were too many!

I have also learned that there are times when it's okay to praise and cry, to mourn and sing. It is an interesting paradox.

So, how am I? Great and struggling. I so much appreciate all of the hugs and prayers and support I have been given!